...The Moores at Aspen Mount





Soft toys go global





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(stop press - I have found someone who managed to run himself over with his own car! I've got a rival!)

Rob's Accident Log

Dog Wee. It must have been five years ago now, I went for a sandwich in Horsforth park in Leeds with a friend of mine called Gita. We sat on a bench, nice and steady and were enjoying the sunshine when Gita suddenly started making funny noises and staring at me. I looked down and there was a big dog, with it's leg cocked up, weeing down my trousers. The owner looked suitably embarrassed ("he's never done that before") and took him away. I dropped Gita back at work and had to go home to empty my shoes and take a shower. When I got back to work there were a dozen faces pressed against the glass laughing at me.

Italian Cars. In winter 2005, I was visiting Milan and south Germany on business. In my youthful enthusiasm, I thought I'd hire a car and drive up through the San Bernadino pass. No problem, until I hit the pass as night falls, and it starts to snow. A lot. And my windscreen wash is empty. It's quite lonely up there, so I have to press on trying to steer through puddles so I can keep the windscreen clear. Next day, I have a meeting and stay over the night. Because I have no winter tyres, it's all a bit hit and miss but there you go. Next morning, I'm going back to Milan and decide to sort the screen wash out first. Buy some screen wash at a garage and pull over to where the air pumps are. But then, how do I open the bonnet? It's a Ford Focus with no instruction book. There's no button in the cabin. There's no catch under the bonnet. And it's minus ten degrees, so I cut my fingers trying to find one. And start bleeding everywhere. There's no first aid box. So I staunch the wounds with paper towels from the garage toilet. Then, oh lucky day, another Ford pulls in and I find some German phrases somewhere. Enough to work out that you lift the front Ford badge, put the key in the lock, half a turn left and then a turn right. No problem. Open it up, put the keys on the engine block, fill the screen wash, then drop the bonnet and ready to go. Hold on. Where's the keys?? How do I open the bonnet? D'oh!!!!!! I had to get help from my German colleagues, get the car towed to a garage where it had the radiator removed, extract the keys and get me back on the road again a day later. Oh the shame, the horror. It was a lovely drive back down though, with the sun on the snow on the mountains. Almost made it worth it.

Horses. I have to confess that when I was young, some friends and I thought it would be funny to roll some barrels of sheep feed down a hill. The barrels reached the bottom just as some horse riders arrived. Horses rear and bolt. Riders nearly fall off and die. Riders chase us half way home cursing and swearing. I'm sorry. That was me. But it was an accident....

Glasses. Normally, when your glasses fall off, they drop to the floor and smash. Oh no, mine flew off my face, bounced once on the pavement and then landed in the road about five foot in front of an oncoming bus. If only there had been a t handy, they would have landed in front of a bust and there might have been a chance. But not this time - flat as a pancake.

Toiletry. Can you believe that my new black bag under the eye cream has thrown itself down the toilet. I just had a glimpse of it as it slipped down the u-bend like a silver shadow. It had obviously decided to take the easy way out. L'oreal. Because I'm not worth it. This is one reason I don't like gravity.

Slashed tyres. Being the good citizen I am, I once carefully moved a broken bottle from the middle of the road to the side of the curb. I came back 30 minutes later to find someone had parked there, and the way I'd left the bottle had allowed it to wedge against the drain and stick a good inch into the front wheel. I did leave a note but if it was you, I'm really sorry.

Suit. I must be the only person in the world to forget their suit when travelling abroad, buy a new one, find out that I needed to pin the hem up, buy a fistful of mickey mouse badges so that I could break them and take out the safety pins, pin up the suit trousers and then over-run a business meeting so I missed the gala dinner that I needed the suit for anyway. Argh!!!!!!!

Meerkat. One of the offices at work is semi open plan with dividers everywhere, so when you walk in, heads pop up like that game at the seaside where you whack moles or like meerkats. I was laughing about this one day, did an impression, popped up, knocked my chair back about 6 inches without realising it, popped down, disappeared from view with a bit of a yelp. My office is totally open plan, so everyone p..sed themselves as you can imagine :p